For most of us, work challenges, making a good living, managing our teens, and pleasing our spouses represent daily stressors. But events, per se—such as, dealing with a disgruntled employee, your teen missing curfew, or an argument with your spouse-- never cause your stress! Surprised? Read on.

EVENTS ARE NEUTRAL

Your experiencing stress, including all of the symptoms mentioned above, are never caused by events that take place in your life...events are neutral! For example, let's assume that I a major association decides that they want to book an renowned licensed psychologist to conduct an opening keynote speech for their conference in Miami. The Conference Committee selects me and puts out a mass mailing advertised me and my keynote address. As a result, attendees fly to Miami from all over the country, and are looking forward to hearing my keynote.

Five minutes before I am to board my plane in Orange County, California, my flight is cancelled due to inclement weather in Chicago. There are no flights going through Chicago and it will not be possible for me to find a flight which will allow me to arrive in Miami in time for my keynote. While one might consider this situation to be "stressful," it is actually a neutral event. The situation or event does not cause stress!

If I find myself getting irritated at the airline representative, or I begin to perspire and feel a tightening across my chest...these are stress symptoms, but they are not due to the event of having my flight cancelled. As I said, events do not directly cause stress, or any other emotion, attitude or mood, for that matter. The emotion or attitude that results from the event is strictly caused by my interpretation of, or belief about the event. In effect, it's that little voice in my head that communicates with me...my self-talk...that always determines how I react to events. We all have a little voice that we "listen to" constantly. (Incidentally, f you have more than one voice in there you really need to contact me?

To continue my example, if I learn that the flight is cancelled (the event), I might say to myself: "Oh, that's just great...now I won't make the meeting, everyone is there expecting a rousing keynote, and the conference organizers will be so angry at me that they'll never hire me to conduct a program again."

Such a negative, self-defeating statement immediately
activates my nervous system and my body reacts accordingly. My blood pressure rises and my behavior may become irrational, such as yelling at the attendant, even though she didn’t cause the problem and she can do nothing to change the flight situation.

On the other hand, suppose that when I learn that the flight is cancelled, I say to myself the following: "This is really unfortunate and I feel badly that I will not be there, but it is absolutely beyond my control. I will phone the meeting planner and the association executive director right away and see if they would like me to find a substitute speaker who is based in Miami...or maybe we can postpone my keynote until the last day of the Conference, when I will be able to make it...or, perhaps there is a way that I can do the keynote through a tele-conference. That way, with the audience all situated in the meeting room, I can arrange to do the keynote by interactive television. I can even use this example with them when I discuss how self-talk always determines our emotional, attitudinal and behavioral responses to events!

THE CULPRIT...YOUR INTERNAL CRITIC

The "culprit" in all of this is our internal critic...that voice within that spews out an average of 55,000 words per day, 77% of which are negative, self-defeating messages... messages like, "My boss is difficult to deal with, so I will always have problems with him, "or "My son doesn't care about me worrying when he misses curfew," or "My spouse never really listens to me and I will never be happy with him."

It takes the average human body a full 24 hours to fully recover from only five minutes of negative thinking! So, since approximately 77% of the thoughts that go through our minds are negative and counterproductive and the body takes 24 hours to recover from only five minutes of negative thinking, our bodies are taking a tremendous beating...just by our thought processes alone! Because each negative thought is instantly converted chemically to affect all of our internal organs and even our immune system, we develop symptoms, illnesses and diseases that physicians cannot cure with medicine alone. Indeed, these can be eradicated much more thoroughly by psychotherapy, with understanding our internal self-talk as the primary ingredient for cure.
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Unfortunately, most of us have been pre-programmed to think negatively the majority of the time. Well-meaning parents, teachers, uncles, aunts and even siblings (who actually may not have been so well-meaning) have filled us with negative conditioning about how we're not smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough...or how we are the wrong sex, race, religion, etc., so we shouldn't risk failure or try to accomplish or achieve our dreams.

Negative programming has kept us from taking risks, trusting our abilities, or thinking "outside of the box." "Safety" for most of us lies in repeating old, self-defeating habits, rather than "risking" changes in our habits.

But, don’t get discouraged. The good news is that no matter how unfortunate your history, no matter how much you have had negative people pounding warnings and their own fears into your brain, and no matter how many times you inadvertently reinforced those unfortunate habits yourself through your own self-defeating, fear-producing internal dialogue...it can all be overcome and you can live a much healthier, happier, more productive and (for the most part) stress-free life!

In other words, despite the fact that others have planted weeds in the “garden of your subconscious mind” and despite years of you habitually watering and fertilizing those weeds with your own negative, self-defeating thoughts, you can always choose to pluck them out of that beautiful garden, never to return!

YOUR THOUGHTS, STRESS & YOUR HEALTH

You and I are much more likely to suffer an ulcer or have irritable bowel syndrome, or high blood pressure than is a gazelle on the African Plains. That's because the gazelle's nervous system is brilliantly adapted for handling life and death emergencies, such as a lion springing out of a stalking position and giving chase to it. Once the gazelle realizes the danger, the nervous system switches on immediately, digestion stops, blood leaves the internal organs to gorge the large muscles of the legs to produce maximum speed and efficiency, blood pressure increases rapidly to deal with the demands for blood in the brain and external organs, sugar pours into the blood stream for quick bursts of energy, and adrenalin is released so that the gazelle is completely alert and focused on escape and ultimate survival.

If everything goes as planned (assuming the gazelle is not injured, weak or sick), it escapes, its’ nervous system quickly returns to a relaxed state and the gazelle goes on with the business of grazing, playing, reproducing, etc....no reason for an ulcer or stress-producing physical disorder developing here.

As humans we rarely (thankfully) are faced with someone trying to kill us. We don't have to stalk and wrestle down our food. We don't have to run for our lives. But the way we interpret everyday events...from traffic jams, to inconsiderate relatives, to workload pressure, to our teenagers' behaviors...leads to that same nervous system clicking on countless times every day! The gazelle never only deals with real danger. It never “thinks” about things to worry about. We humans invented these worries and we have allowed them to dominate our lives through our internal critics.

In our self-talk we use stress producing phrases, like, "What if my boss is angry at me when he comes in?" or "I can never please my partner..." or "I can't let this person get away with that...he needs to know who is in charge here!" Obviously, such thoughts never go through the gazelle’s mind, but these are examples of thoughts that we humans allow to go unchecked through our minds. So for our nervous systems, each of these thoughts sets off a chain reaction very similar to that which happens in the gazelle running for its life. Except for us humans, these thoughts occur hundreds of times a week and so we are constantly switching on and off this vital nervous system.

Our nervous systems were not developed for switching on and off incessantly. So if your blood pressure rises to 180/120 when someone points a gun at you, that is being adaptive...but if it rises to 180/120 in congested traffic, at the bank where a clerk is slow, and each time you are angry at someone in your life...you could be heading for a major health disaster! The consequences of this on and off switching can lead to a host of physical problems, from ulcers...to heart failure...to gastritis and irritable bowel...to diabetes...to insomnia.

The important point to remember is that this whole downward spiral begins with negative self-talk. So the key is to recognize when you are doing that and to STOP the thoughts. Then replace them with positive thoughts, like “What’s the worst that can really happen here? I am really ok, this is not a catastrophe.”

Internal medicine specialists and family practice physicians estimate that at least 65% of their patients actually do not have an underlying medical condition causing their symptoms! Imagine that. Sixty-five percent of their patients do not have an underlying medical condition causing their symptoms! Instead, it is stress related factors (caused by the self-talk you use every day) which causes the bulk of our medical symptoms. And since most physicians do not have (or choose not to spend) the time to ask you about your life, how you interpret various situations, how you deal with events, etc., they simply treat your symptoms (usually with drugs), while the root cause is untouched and continues to fester. Not only has “stress” overtaken the common cold in terms of prevalence, but stress is involved in 8 of the 10 most frequent causes of death in Americans! So how can we prevent these consequences in our lives and bodies?

EIGHT RESILIENCY SKILLS THAT REALLY WORK

1. USE THE POWER OF POSITIVE SELF-TALK

Whenever you catch yourself feeling badly (i.e., depressed, irritable, worried, etc.), you need to immediately jot down several thoughts that went through your mind just prior to recognizing those feelings. For example, if you are irritable, you may have just said to yourself, "I don’t think I will ever be happy with my life."

The best way to eradicate those "weeds" that fill the "garden" of your subconscious mind is to practice telling yourself positive, self-enhancing thoughts every time you catch yourself being negative. Regardless of the years of negative programming that you have and have reinforced with your own negative thoughts, no one needs to be a prisoner of her/his past. You can re-program your subconscious by recognizing your negative, self-defeating thinking patterns and changing them on the spot. The more you catch yourself and change those thoughts to positive, more rational ones, the sooner you will eradicate those weeds. Try it, you'll see! (This, by the way, is the primary type of work I conduct as a psychotherapist with all of my clients.)

2. SET REALISTIC GOALS

Much research shows that when you set attainable, healthy goals and write them down, you will stay focused and have a high probability of accomplishing them. Put these goals into your computer to flash reminders to you on a regular basis. Visualize attaining these goals each night as you fall asleep and you will maximize your ability to achieve them!

3. CHOOSE AN OPTIMISTIC INTERPRETATION OF EVENTS

Martin Seligman, in his wonderful book, "Learned Optimism," gives endless examples of the stress management and physical health consequences of finding a silver lining in every dark cloud that comes your way. When you view unfortunate events in your life as temporary and not permanent indicators of a weakness, you arm yourself with the ability to ward off the stressors of life events. More importantly, an optimistic interpretation of events has been shown to lead to remission of disease and the generation of T-cells, which are critical components of our immune systems. In fact, developing an optimistic orientation has been shown to extend life!

4. CHANGE YOUR DIET AND EXERCISE HABITS

Caffeine is known to increase anxiety. Blueberries are known to enhance brain power and memory. Aerobic exercise (e.g., rapid walking, swimming, jogging, tennis, etc.) produces hormones that counteract stress hormones in our bodies. So, why not eliminate caffeine (coffee, tea, soda), add blueberries to your diet and increase exercise? Everyone can do these simple things. Of course, maintaining ideal weight and keeping fit also eliminate the negative self-talk and resultant stress that arises from looking into the mirror each morning!

5. EMBRACE OPPORTUNITIES FOR RELAXATION

So many of us fill our lives with work and parenting responsibilities, that there is no time is allotted for relaxation. One of the best ways to ward off stress is to take regular relaxation breaks. These can range from spontaneous mini-vacations (e.g., weekends), to a relaxing walk in a serene place (e.g., the beach or near a babbling brook), to taking 15 minutes twice a day to meditate right in your office. Working as an Orange County marriage counselor, I see many couples who almost never build relaxation into their busy, California schedules and this is a major source of their relationship difficulties. There are many excellent relaxation tapes, yoga exercises, and visualization/hypnosis tapes on the market, and I have produced a stress busting, self-esteem building series entitled, “Loving the Inner You.”

6. STAY CLOSE TO POSITIVE PEOPLE AND INFLUENCES

Unfortunately, many of us are married to, related to, or work for negative, pessimistic people. These are folks who have their own fears of change, do not take risks, and wallow in their own misery. These members of the "negativity club" want you to join them, because that helps them to justify their own behavior and ideas. After all, it would be difficult for your negative, pessimistic sibling, for example, to justify her/his behavior if you are a positive, optimistic person, who is thriving. This is similar to smokers discouraging others from quitting. So, become a "Teflon" person...let the comments of these folks bounce off you. Assert yourself and politely tell them to keep their negative opinions about you or your ideas to themselves. Find positive, optimistic, successful people to get close to, who will encourage you to move away from your habitual, "inside of the box" ideas. What a breath of fresh air that will feel like to you!

7. SEARCH FOR OPPORTUNITIES FOR FUN AND LAUGHTER

Ever since the arrival of Norman Cousins' groundbreaking book, "Anatomy of an Illness," which was based on his firm conviction that LAUGHTER alone alleviated his pain and pushed his debilitating disease into permanent remission, a wealth of research has shown the immense power of fun and laughter on both our emotions and our bodies. Amazingly, the average youngster, age 6, laughs more than 100 times a day, while the average adult laughs only about 15 times. We now know that the best antidote for stress is fun, laughter and engaging our sense of humor. Whether it is reading a joke book, watching a funny movie or sitcom, or using your creativity to lighten up your workplace, bringing fun into your life is immensely important for your health.

Endorphins, which override stress hormones and produce a sense of release and calm, are released by the brain every time we laugh or engage in a fun activity. In fact, the immune system is impacted in a powerful way by fun and laughter. Someone once said the "people don't stop laughing and having fun because they get old...they get old because they stop laughing and having fun!" So, by making sure that your life includes frequent episodes of laughing and looking at the funny side of events that take place in your life, and in the world...you will surely add life to your years and years to your life! In fact, researchers have discovered that humor can transform the tragedies of life.

With my work as an Orange County family therapist, I find that families in crisis rarely laugh together anymore. That needs to be changed immediately to begin to defuse their problems. Adding fun to the relationship and family can have a tremendous impact on the happiness and health of all members of the family.

8. LOOK FOR THE POSITIVES IN YOUR LIFE

As a licensed psychologist, I help many people whose lives are in turmoil because they are trying desperately to compete. They view themselves as “losers” if they don’t have the mega-million dollar home their friends have or if they can’t afford to drive a luxury car. What they focus on is what they “don’t have,” rather than what they do have. I have them look at the positives in their lives…positives that often are taken for granted and ignored. These exercises are enlightening and depressed, irritated, angry moods often dissolve quickly when the orientation is changed.

If you want to add years to your life and life to your ears, practice these eight resiliency skills to your habits and watch the wonderful things that happen!

Start Feeling Better Right Away!

If you’re looking for a face to face appointment, I am an Orange County Hypnotherapist, Clinical & Sport Psychologist and Marital Therapist and I would be happy to meet with you in person; however, I also conduct phone therapy with clients all over the U.S., make hypnotic cd’s specifically for them and mail them out, so don’t hesitate to call even if don’t live near Orange County, CA. I provide a FREE, 30 minute phone consultation to answer all of your questions. 1-888-731-1168

If you are interested in either talking to Dr. Jack about speaking at an event or for your company, or if you would like to explore his. self-help books, cd’s and hypnotic programs, please visit his other website at www.funspeaker.com